Holy Holy Holy Said Five Times Fast
Your body
laid out
And I want you to be gorgeous
but I am afraid instead.
It is not you.
I don’t cry. I only
cry alone.
Kiki is there in the car and smoking
and we’re Thelma and Louise
and we’re cursing you
for leaving
especially when we could have all
been
laughing until
we found ourselves
surrounded by clouds
in a lake
& here we are born from stars, going
on & in forever.
Your father’s blue eyes
turned a different blue with longing
for you eternal.
After your body, I am
watching this man and woman
under a rain-soaked sky, yellow
sun marry
and not know the pain of a heart
stopped, too big for a world
where beating is a risk
of losing
that thing that isn’t our body—that
thing we
usually forget about like
a bad TV show.
I want to say, soak it all in,
eat every minute until the blood
drips from your mouth
between your teeth.
Don’t waste it like I wasted
the years on others when I should have been
with you
the whole time,
(I’ve always been dumb that way, my love,
I am sorry,
always);
What is whole like the hearts
that beat in our chests
forever and ever and ever?
This hallway, I see you:
all the lights in all different
colors—
and how can I say,
When do I get to see again?
How answers your question
from the last time I saw you
with breath?
Where do I find you except
inside this hallway?
This hallway is long
but I can wait.
Until then, I’ll find different
rooms
and turn their lights
on and off, your
body has finally landed
on a feather bed somewhere draped
in purple light and Frank
playing
just for you
strong chords like
your heart that beat so hard
to give, has sailed
itself to far away seas.
You came to me
in dreams and I couldn’t
remember what you said
when I woke up
and all I could feel was
your absence
and see the candle
you moved
knowing what you did
and said would always
be invisible from now on—
the color of dreams.
